Entry 6 ~ Anniversary Series ~ Final


April 6th 2005

This was the first call.

I was supposed to take my cousin to my sister’s house but I was running late. I called my sister to see if she could come pick her up. She agreed without hesitation, then went on and on about her day. I was annoyed. Running late for class I didn’t have time to listen. She finally hung up and I ran out the door.

The sirens made their way through town around 11am, but I didn’t really hear them.

I had gone home for lunch and was sitting at the kitchen table eating a taco salad.

The phone rang.

“There has been an accident along this route and it looks like your sisters van, was she going out that way?”

Only because I had asked her to.

I couldn’t find the scene on the route I always took, so I decided to check the hospital. The ambulance and I pulled up at the same time. I was shaking so bad, begging for it not to be so. I ran up to the back of the ambulance, ‘I think that’s my sister in there,’ I said.

Then I heard my nephews crying.

‘We have 2 little boys here, could you identify them?’ They opened the doors…. I had to turn away….. It was them, bruised beyond recognition.

I couldn’t remember their names. It’s them I said, ‘but where is my sister?’

The look on the EMT’s face said it all. She’s not here, he said…….. ‘I’m really sorry but……. she didn’t make it.’

What did he mean she didn’t make it?! That had never happened in our family before. That only ever happened to other people.

I stood there stunned. Staring into space. Suddenly needing a bucket… and then my feet gave out.

I came back to it, lying on a bed in the hospital.

‘We need you to be strong, we need to contact her husband.’ Ugh, another wave. Her husband?! Bucket, get me that bucket.

My sister was dead. No longer breathing. No longer there to take care of her 4 children or love her husband.

Why hadn’t I just taken my cousin over there?!

I called my brother in law. Told him to come to the hospital, something had happened. I wanted to hold him when the truth hit him. I couldn’t hold him up.

Somehow your body breaks with your heart.

Then the oldest 2 kids. They were in school. How do you tell a child their mom is gone?! Forever.

That hallway was so cold. Their little eyes so worried.

Then my parents. Their oldest child gone. Dad was mad and started throwing blame around. Momma just cried. Big heart broken sobs.

This was the start of what my life is now.

I hear sirens now. Every. Single. Time. Really hear them.

I haven’t eaten a taco salad since. I’ve tried. I can’t. I see them and every emotion from that day comes back like it just happened.

This first call came and went before I knew the real Jesus. How people do death without Him is beyond me. The worst indescribable feeling I’ve felt yet.

Most thankful I have him now.

He tells me it’s not because I called her. My heart knows that but my head still fights that.


Always take the time to listen to your loved ones blab on, would you please?

Until next time,




8 thoughts on “Entry 6 ~ Anniversary Series ~ Final

      1. This is so similar to the horror I felt when my cousin drowned 5 years ago. Lainie and I talked on the phone a lot, that last week of her life. We talked for an hour the night before she died. I still miss her every single day, more than words can say. I still ask, Why, Lord? Why did You let my precious young cousin die? She was only 38. She was a registered nurse, working in a hospital. She was my only blood relative in this state. My husband and I were praying for her, because she was going through some trauma. We prayed for her emotional healing, prayed for her protection. And then she died.

        I almost lost my faith, but I didn’t. I went to bed and barely functioned for two years. It should have been me. I was 19 years old when she was born. She was born a year after my oldest child. My cousin had so much of life ahead. Why did she die? Why not me, instead? Why is she gone, when I am still here?

        I never knew grief could hurt that bad, until we lost Lainie.

        This is the reality of life. In this world, we have tribulations. And yet…. I am so grateful for the good in life. So grateful for the good times I shared with my cousin. And very grateful that I got to tell her, the night before she died, how much she meant to me.

    1. Oh linda, the story you shared is so hard!!! Thanks for sharing. The how and why’s of life are often such a mystery and so painful, glad we have hope in Jesus. The hope of all things. Lots of love and peace to you!!

  1. I cried when I read this. So much pain… so hard to comprehend. I have no idea how people do death without Jesus either. I’m so thankful you’re still trusting Him. Love you, sister. (And also? I so dearly hope you don’t have very many more of these anniversaries. Because, goodness, girl. Wow. For your sake, not ours. But whatever they are and however many of them there are, I hope you keep writing as long as the words keep bringing some kind of healing. I’ll be reading!)

    1. Thank you Melissa, for doing the pain with me! Thankfully this is the last event anniversary, although I could write tons more about birthdays and all those other ‘dates’ that come with life and grief and pain, but for now I think I’m good. Some time and a focus on other things will be good too. 🙂 You are great, much love!!

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