Entry 4 ~ Anniversary Series

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March 11, 2009

We couldn’t put it off any longer. We needed to make a decision that day.

The final decision was made with a room full of people. Some that should not have been there.

No changes. No hope for them. No feelings, no emotions for me. 100% numb.

____________

Dad breathed his last an hour and half after the decision was made.

When he passed on my siblings cried for mercy, and I told them to keep it down for respect of others beside us.

Yep. That’s the stupidest thing to say, EVER, after family member number 5 has just died in less than 15 days.

I wish I would have said, ‘cry at the top of your lungs and fuck what others may think. Just let it out.’

We are so trained to live for those around us, even in our darkest moments, our feelings are denied. I hate it.

____________

Hours had passed and Nick kept holding on. It was late and no one was thinking straight or functioning at any level for that matter.

Get some rest they said, take the pager they said.

I had just pulled the covers over my face to try and block out the images of that day and the pager beeped.

Patient. Has. Passed.

That was it. It was over.

I was never going to be the same again. EVER.

I needed to get through one more funeral. I wanted to run.

 

Until next time,
Eva

 

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4 thoughts on “Entry 4 ~ Anniversary Series

  1. I read this, and my eyes fill with tears. How can this be, Lord? I ask.

    Psalm 23 comes to my mind. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil….”

    But how can this be, Lord? I think again. How could you allow this precious young woman to lose six members of her family all at once?

    Silence.

    Then I remember the time more than twenty years ago when I had a potentially deadly heart arrhythmia and I did not know it. I awoke to find myself out of my body, halfway between this world and heaven. The joy, the peace, the love, the holiness, the awesomeness was indescribable. This is death? I thought in amazement. This is what we spend our whole lives being afraid of and trying to avoid?

    My time was not up and I was sent back. But why? How can this be, Lord? Why did You allow this to happen to Eva’s family?

    My eyes fill with tears.

    • Linda, thanks again for your words. I can see that you get this. The pain, the heartache. Thank you for walking my valley with me. And what a story you have. All my love and blessings on you!

      • Oh… thank you so much for your gentle, kind words, Eva. You are an inspiration.

        My stepdaughter and I went to a Christian women’s retreat at a Calvary Chapel in Lubbock, Texas, at the end of February. It was incredible, and very unlike any spiritual service I had ever attended before. The theme of the retreat was “When Nothing Else Matters.” That is, when only Jesus matters.

        The three women who spoke bared their hearts and souls, sharing how the Lord has walked with them through horrible sorrows and unimaginable loss. One, who grew up in an Amish community which, contrary to outward appearances of holiness, was filled with alcoholism, drug abuse, and incest. How she finally broke away as a young woman, thanks to her truly Christian husband… and then, after they had been married a few years, their two year old son drowned in a pool, while she was cooking and her husband lost sight of their child for only a couple of minutes.

        Another woman, a pastor’s wife, spoke about the loss of five close friends, fellow church members, in a single traffic accident while they were returning from a Christian retreat. Then a few years later she was driving to the laundromat, became distracted, ran a red light, and caused an accident that left another woman permanently and severely disabled.

        Another pastor’s wife, a beautiful woman with young children, talked about being diagnosed last year with stage 3 breast cancer. She read some of the hard journal entries she had written as she was recovering from surgery, going through chemotherapy and radiation treatments, and she talked about the uncertainty of not knowing how much longer she has left in this world. “But nothing else matters when you reach the end of yourself,” she said. “Nothing but Jesus.”

        I left that retreat with my faith strengthened, not in a false Santa Claus in the sky kind of God, but strengthened with the assurance that, although we do indeed have all manner of tribulations in this life, His grace really is sufficient to see us through even the worst of times.

        Thank you, Eva, for having the courage to share your very hard story. We all have loved ones die, if we live long enough. I have lost friends, school mates, grandparents, my father, a stepbrother, an uncle who was more like a brother, a very precious and very close young cousin, and most heartbreaking of all, a grandson. But to lose six members of your family at once… I can’t even begin to fathom how you and your faith survived. Only through Jesus, only through Him, would that be possible. To God be the glory. But even so, your strength and your faith is amazing and inspiring.

  2. Linda, that sounds like such a life giving retreat. To be at a place where ‘nothing but Jesus’ matters really is a holy experience. Often awful to get there but looking back I can almost see the ‘joy’ in those trials. Some people may never get to experience a ‘nothing but Jesus’ moment and honestly they are missing out. We are moulded and shaped to the core in those moments. Thanks again for sharing. Shalom on you dear!!

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