So what is really going on? Many of you are asking, and I imagine many of you are wondering.
Well, the cancer story is really Gary’s story so the reason you’re not hearing much about that is because he doesn’t write this blog (his preference). It’s his story and I don’t feel I have the right to dissect it publicly from my point of view.
This is what I can tell you though. We came back to Canada because his tumor is re- growing – at a stable rate. Stable and regrowth should NOT go in the same sentence by the way! Yes I know he looks fine physically. He has BRAIN CANCER. They have no idea what’s going to happen, it could go any which way at any given moment. He is supposed to live as normal of a life as possible right now; how the _________ do you do that when your diagnosis and prognosis are still the same?!?!?!
I’m going to stop there with that before I really get out of hand.
So it’s not like we’re trying to hide anything (how does one do that anyway?!), it’s more me just trying to respect his story while feeling the need to be open and vulnerable about mine.
What, I have a story in this? Crazy eh?! I’m clearly the lucky one who doesn’t have cancer so what can my story possibly be?!
The thing about my story is that for the last 2 years plus I feel like I have breathed, slept and ate Gary’s cancer and at this point, I’m just sort of nauseas about it.
For the longest time I’d be stoked just to have made it through another day. It was like my heart was covered under so much ‘hard’ that it was dragging 10ft behind me and it was all I could do to just keep from letting go.
Then every once in a while I would loose it and fall apart at the most awkward and inappropriate places. (For those that have seen it know what I’m taking about :/, although I know it was really awkward, I’m not even going to say sorry, welcome to my story 😉 ).
By now that dragging heart is pretty bruised and probably a bit bitter. Hah, who am I kidding, not probably, it’s bitter. Period.
So I must obviously be doing this story completely wrong, because I believe in Jesus. Like, I’m actually His daughter… His children should NEVER feel this way right?!
Oh let me tell you, that little voice has been working overtime in telling me that and SO, SO, SO much more.
Even with that evil little voice hovering all over me, daily I mutter…… “Jesus where are you?!”
Then one day (recently) while sitting in utter exhaustion, numbness and solitude pleading for his presence……. It happened…… His hand covered mine and He sat there with me in my state. Exactly like I was.
Friends it was real. He was there. All of Him.
He didn’t ask me to do this or that before he could fully come, he met me 100% in exactly what I was in and in who I am.
For those of you that don’t know Him, you are probably nodding right now saying, “she’s really gone off the deep end and lost it.” Haha, that’s ok, I’d rather have lost it and felt this than be sane and have missed it.
You guys, that is what our Jesus is all about. Meeting YOU, meeting ME in whatever state we are in.
Where did we get this idea that we need to be perfect to come to him? Isn’t that what is keeping us away from him?
Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17
Jesus loves ME, bitter and all…. Now that we’ve got that clear, He can start turning that bitterness into joy.
Friend, let Jesus meet you wherever you are at today.
He loves YOU!
Until next time,