My Story

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So what is really going on? Many of you are asking, and I imagine many of you are wondering.

Well, the cancer story is really Gary’s story so the reason you’re not hearing much about that is because he doesn’t write this blog (his preference). It’s his story and I don’t feel I have the right to dissect it publicly from my point of view.

This is what I can tell you though. We came back to Canada because his tumor is re- growing – at a stable rate. Stable and regrowth should NOT go in the same sentence by the way! Yes I know he looks fine physically. He has BRAIN CANCER. They have no idea what’s going to happen, it could go any which way at any given moment. He is supposed to live as normal of a life as possible right now; how the _________ do you do that when your diagnosis and prognosis are still the same?!?!?!

I’m going to stop there with that before I really get out of hand.

So it’s not like we’re trying to hide anything (how does one do that anyway?!), it’s more me just trying to respect his story while feeling the need to be open and vulnerable about mine.

What, I have a story in this? Crazy eh?! I’m clearly the lucky one who doesn’t have cancer so what can my story possibly be?!

The thing about my story is that for the last 2 years plus I feel like I have breathed, slept and ate Gary’s cancer and at this point, I’m just sort of nauseas about it.

For the longest time I’d be stoked just to have made it through another day. It was like my heart was covered under so much ‘hard’ that it was dragging 10ft behind me and it was all I could do to just keep from letting go.

Then every once in a while I would loose it and fall apart at the most awkward and inappropriate places. (For those that have seen it know what I’m taking about :/, although I know it was really awkward, I’m not even going to say sorry, welcome to my story 😉 ).

By now that dragging heart is pretty bruised and probably a bit bitter. Hah, who am I kidding, not probably, it’s bitter. Period.

So I must obviously be doing this story completely wrong, because I believe in Jesus. Like, I’m actually His daughter… His children should NEVER feel this way right?!

Oh let me tell you, that little voice has been working overtime in telling me that and SO, SO, SO much more.

Even with that evil little voice hovering all over me, daily I mutter…… “Jesus where are you?!”

Then one day (recently) while sitting in utter exhaustion, numbness and solitude pleading for his presence……. It happened…… His hand covered mine and He sat there with me in my state. Exactly like I was.

Friends it was real. He was there. All of Him.

He didn’t ask me to do this or that before he could fully come, he met me 100% in exactly what I was in and in who I am.

For those of you that don’t know Him, you are probably nodding right now saying, “she’s really gone off the deep end and lost it.” Haha, that’s ok, I’d rather have lost it and felt this than be sane and have missed it.

You guys, that is what our Jesus is all about. Meeting YOU, meeting ME in whatever state we are in.

Where did we get this idea that we need to be perfect to come to him? Isn’t that what is keeping us away from him?

Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17

Jesus loves ME, bitter and all…. Now that we’ve got that clear, He can start turning that bitterness into joy.

Friend, let Jesus meet you wherever you are at today.

He loves YOU!

Until next time,

Eva

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12 thoughts on “My Story

  1. Esther Martens

    Appreciate the update. I have been praying daily for you both and will continue to pray. I was recently diagnosed with Stage III Colon Cancer and am currently undergoing a 6-month chemo treatment. It was good to read your story as I want to understand more what my husband, Frank, is feeling. I kind of think that the spouse as the caregiver has a more difficult time in accepting and dealing with the cancer.

    I’ve claimed Romans 15:13 as my verse and repeat it daily, along with others. “May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” I have been filled with joy and peace during this part of my journey, like I’ve never ever experienced before, and I know it has to be “…by the power of the Holy Spirit” – because why would I feel that when I’m going through all kinds of difficult side-effects??

    Esther

    1. Esther, my heart is sad for you…. Thank you so much for sharing. Will be lifting you before the throne. It is such a different story for the person in it and the care giver. Give my love to Frank, my heart goes out to him deeply.

      Great verse and so true, only through the power of the Holy Spirit.

      Big hugs for you today!

  2. Emily

    Hey Eva, been thinking of you…didn’t want to pry, but was wondering how you were…
    Thankyou for being honest about your feelings. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you will never have doubts and questions.
    You’ve beenthrough a lot…I pray you’ll always feel His arms around you. He has NOT forgotten you and your family! We’ll pray for you all!
    Love in Christ, Emily

  3. Helena

    Your story is fascinating. Just to put it out there, you need to write a book. Your story needs to be heard.
    Praying for you and your family.

  4. Thank you Eva for sharing, there is healing in that as well. We think and pray you and Gary just about daily, it is our privilege.

    You know…. When we can’t do it, or go alone, Jesus will carry us, we are safe in His arms. And His love never fails,

  5. Lou

    Love your honesty Eva. I have been there and I have experienced Jesus in that way. It is wonderful. He is there no matter what or how you feel. Rest on that. Relish in His presence. Blessings are there.

  6. alice kroeker

    thank you for those thoughts and the miracle you experienced with Jesus.
    as a survivor going through my husband’s illness, deterioration and death in a short time I know that God is with me in whatever place i’m in and has given me peace when I’ve cried out to Him. I will continue to pray for you as well as your husband and daughter. God is good.

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