I am making myself blog. We’ll see how this goes.
I realized that I missed last month, the first month in a long time. Not sure if that means I have nothing going on or too much…. I’ll let you decide based on what you read.
So apparently there are stages of loss and grief, something like this:
1 Denial and Isolation. 2 Anger. 3 Bargaining. 4 Depression. 5 Acceptance.
Well, I’ve come to realize that mine never happen in that order. This time around it’s going something like this:
1 Bargaining. 2 Acceptance (or so I thought). 3. a bit of 1, 2 and 4 going on right now, all at the same time.
In March it’ll be a year since Gary _________________. And in January I finally accepted the fact that life will never be what it was before__________________. I can’t write it. Hurts too much.
People may think, well that wasn’t so bad. They had to go back to Canada, get things figured out and on their way they went. Now they are in Bolivia, serving happily ever after.
Well, the truth is, that’s not really the true.
Everyday life is night to day different from what it was. Gary deals with daily symptoms that need to be considered with every decision we make. What symptoms you wonder? Well, I can tell you the area effected is the ’emotion and function’ side of his brain. The details would only be fair for him to share.
So now you’re probably wondering, “what are they doing in Bolivia then?” Or, “does she just sit in a corner of a round room all day rocking her life away?”
Well, not exactly. Although that’s probably what I’d do if I was in charge of my life.
You see, years ago I told God he could take the reigns.
So, while I’m processing and feeling through all that is going on and has gone on, God still has the reigns.
While I REGULARLY try to turn the opposite way the reigns are being pulled, he gently (which doesn’t always feel gentle) pulls the reigns back.
I’m thankful that God chose for us to be here. Now.
While we’re learning how to live ‘life now,’ we have the privilege of serving the amazing children at Talita Cumi. AND this last week He’s opened up the door for us to serve and reach thousands of Low German people here, through radio.
Life doesn’t stop just because I’m going through the stages in the wrong order or at the wrong time (who decided that’s how it has to be anyway?).
It’s not like we weren’t warned, “In this world you will have trouble” but he doesn’t leave it at that, “take heart, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD.” John 16:33
Heck, if the same guy that’s overcome this world is in control of my reigns, I can very well keep putting along.
As HE leads.
Through my pain and all.
Until next time,