I haven’t written from the heart for a while and since Gary and Alayna are both napping right now, why not open the floodgate…. Or I could do my workout… Or I could just continue to sit here and stare into space, like I have for the last hour.
I haven’t titled this post yet because I honestly have no idea what I’m going to write about. Maybe today I’ll allow myself to be super duper honest and write from the depth of my tired and weary soul.
I guess today is one of those days where my story would go something like this:
Hello my name is Eva, I grew up in a stinking strict community where religion robbed me of my freedom and of a chance to truly experience being a kid. I was taught a bunch of bologna about who God is and what He is all about. Then when I was 19 my oldest sister died in a horrible car accident and left behind her husband and four precious little ones. If that wasn’t bad enough, four years later my mom, dad, brother, 2 nephews and a niece died the same shitty way. Well, you swallow, breath and life goes on. Until you sit here at 28, with a husband who has rotten brain cancer.
Pretty good huh?!
The truth is, regardless of how good God is, this stuff still SUCKS!!! Somedays I’m fine, then other days I feel like my heart is going to run off on me and it’s all I can do to keep it together.
Those that know me know that I get my energy from completing tasks. I dream big, jump in and go. I enjoy challenges, they energize me. But this here is a whole other level of challenge. I am challenged to BE STILL, daily! Oh my goodness, how in the living day lights does one do that? I feel like I get nothing accomplished physically but holy hannah, my heart and mind NEVER STOP… By the end of the day I. AM. TIRED. This is my battle, daily.
Honestly, if this was all there was to my life, and to this story, you could say that I could be going crazy. (That’s it, that’s what I’ll title this post).
The good thing is there is something so much bigger to all this. Yep, you guessed it, Jesus! In between picking up toys, juicing for Gary and telling him (and myself) that tomorrow is going to be better, in between those moments I go to Jesus and search for peace….. And He gives it every time, enough to get me through minute by minute. Enough to keep my heart from taking off on me with my dreams and desires. Enough for me to tell you that I am going to be ok.
I’m going to be ok because Jesus is ENOUGH to keep me breathing… To keep me breathing in moments that SUCK. To keep me breathing in moments of stillness. To keep me breathing in moments of craziness.
To keep me breathing until my weary soul rejoices…
Is Jesus enough to keep you breathing?
Until next time,