I could be going crazy….

I haven’t written from the heart for a while and since Gary and Alayna are both napping right now, why not open the floodgate…. Or I could do my workout… Or I could just continue to sit here and stare into space, like I have for the last hour.

I haven’t titled this post yet because I honestly have no idea what I’m going to write about. Maybe today I’ll allow myself to be super duper honest and write from the depth of my tired and weary soul.

I guess today is one of those days where my story would go something like this:

Hello my name is Eva, I grew up in a stinking strict community where religion robbed me of my freedom and of a chance to truly experience being a kid. I was taught a bunch of bologna about who God is and what He is all about. Then when I was 19 my oldest sister died in a horrible car accident and left behind her husband and four precious little ones. If that wasn’t bad enough, four years later my mom, dad, brother, 2 nephews and a niece died the same shitty way. Well, you swallow, breath and life goes on. Until you sit here at 28, with a husband who has rotten brain cancer.

Pretty good huh?!

The truth is, regardless of how good God is, this stuff still SUCKS!!! Somedays I’m fine, then other days I feel like my heart is going to run off on me and it’s all I can do to keep it together.

Those that know me know that I get my energy from completing tasks. I dream big, jump in and go. I enjoy challenges, they energize me. But this here is a whole other level of challenge. I am challenged to BE STILL, daily! Oh my goodness, how in the living day lights does one do that? I feel like I get nothing accomplished physically but holy hannah, my heart and mind NEVER STOP… By the end of the day I. AM. TIRED. This is my battle, daily.

Honestly, if this was all there was to my life, and to this story, you could say that I could be going crazy. (That’s it, that’s what I’ll title this post).

The good thing is there is something so much bigger to all this. Yep, you guessed it, Jesus! In between picking up toys, juicing for Gary and telling him (and myself) that tomorrow is going to be better, in between those moments I go to Jesus and search for peace….. And He gives it every time, enough to get me through minute by minute. Enough to keep my heart from taking off on me with my dreams and desires. Enough for me to tell you that I am going to be ok.

I’m going to be ok because Jesus is ENOUGH to keep me breathing… To keep me breathing in moments that SUCK. To keep me breathing in moments of stillness. To keep me breathing in moments of craziness.

To keep me breathing until my weary soul rejoices…

Is Jesus enough to keep you breathing?

Until next time,
Eva

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9 thoughts on “I could be going crazy….

  1. Dear Eva: I am glad that you allowed yourself the freedom to dump on us. It’s ok with God, too.
    Yes, you have had your share of tough times. That’s what keeps me praying for you. I don’t think this is fair, either. Life isn’t fair. I deal with chronic pain all the time inspite of pain management. Depression has been part of my life for so long. Sometimes, it seems more than God should give us. So I am praying for you right now.
    God, help Eva to process each day with the many thoughts and emotions. I know that you hear our prayers. Eva has tried so hard to accept Your power to deal with each moment of the day. Bless her for this. Be with Gary, as well. He also has to deal with a lot. Then, there is Alayna. She is a lovely child. Help her when she senses the struggles that her mom & dad have to deal with each day. Thank you, God for answering this prayer. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen
    thanks for sharing your true feelings.

  2. Hi!Eva I’m glad you shared from within,we all have to do this to let others know we all have hard times,God wants us to trust Him in everything we face,You know I have had a hard time in my life when my husband dealt with cancer,he lost his life but he won eternity and is waiting for us in Heaven.those times I held on to God because He is the only way we can have peace,we have moved on yes but not forgotten.Trust in God to keep you strong,yes share because you do not need to do this alone.PRAYING FOR YOU.

  3. Hi Eva….you don’t know me, but I am praying for you. Our church in Swift Current is praying for you both. My husband and I have twin sons aged 25 that we caregive for each day, as they are handicapped and are living at home still. We love them so much and have been with them thru 25 years of many surgeries…..19 I think, and lots of struggles, but God is leading us through these waters. We are praying that you and your husband will feel God’s presence as he gives you peace, moment by moment…..I am so glad you are sharing your walk with us. We all need to share more.

    In Christ, Leanne

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