I remember when I talked about getting homework done and counting down the days until we left for Bolivia.I remember when my vocab consisted of normal day to day things. I remember when the words tumour, brain surgery, benign and malignant were unfamiliar and only used by ‘others.’
I remember the morning after hearing those words for the first time in ‘my’ world, feeling similar to what I felt March 2, 2009. Numb. I remember that Alayna wanted to wear her horsie shirt that day. I took it out of the dirty laundry for her to wear again because wearing her favorite horsie shirt was going to make it a good day for her. I remember wishing I had a horsie shirt to make my day all better.
My heart still yearns for a horsie shirt because that vocab has become a norm in our life. You repeat the words so often that they become just that, words. Until you go in for pre OP with your favorite person in the world, and those words are spelled out for you with all the risks and the reality of what they mean. The rawness returns…..
I get asked every day, “How are you doing?” That’s a really good question. The answer is, “I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING!!!” It’s hard to do anything when you DON”T FEEL ANYTHING!!!!
On Sunday in church we sang things like, “I am yours Lord” “I will go where you want me” “I would give it all for you” “I will praise you even in the darkest of hours” ect. ect. Have you ever listened to what you are singing to GOD????!!!!! Do you know how much harder that is TO DO then to sing?
I felt like a hypocrite singing; knowing that truly meaning those words and doing them with my whole heart was a whole other story than just singing them.
Those that know God say, “His plan in this will be revealed to you.”
Those that don’t know Him ask, “Where is God in this?”
Well I can tell you this. I am standing at the foot of the cross, naked and numb. Completely surrendered to the Lord.
Bitter sweet, really.
You better be right Lewi! It better be GOOD!!!
Until next time,
“The sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” (Romans 8:18)